Dear Santa, 

Please stop eating so much cheese and drinking so much mulled wine. It’s making you fat and there’s already an obesity crisis; quite frankly, it’s food that could’ve gone to those living below the poverty line in this country. You know – the ones to whom you cut universal credit? Some would claim that it’s made you so fat with greed that it’s given you a baby bump and is the reason behind the 57-children-and-counting rumours, but I know that’s not true. I know that really it’s just been padded out by the public cash you got stashed to give to your mates! Simple and short!!

But that’s not my real wish, Santa. What I really want for Christmas this year is your resignation. In fact, I imagine so many people have asked for that this year that I’m surprised the unholy elf trinity of Liz Truss, Rishi Sunak and Priti Patel haven’t fulfilled it already. I guess they’re quite busy this year answering the wishes of the families who lost loved ones to COVID on your watch… Tough act to follow. But I’m afraid between the lying, the breaking your social distancing rules, and the general laissez-faire attitude to literally anything seemingly related to good governance, I just don’t feel like you’re the right Santa for the job. True, you’ve given us Christmas this year, but you still took it away last year so you could have a piss-up with the elves, Mrs Claus and the ten tiny Santas you’ve secreted away. The problems one faces when one can’t afford a nanny… And at what cost does this Christmas come? Did you book the boogey man for Boxing Day too like some badly-made spoof of that irrelevant Jack Frost animated film that I can’t remember the name of? Here’s a Christmas, enjoy catching COVID! 

So I’m sorry, but it’s less mulled wine and cookies for you and more continued sufferance for the people of Uxbridge. I’m sure you can chum up with Theresa on the backbenches and discuss how hard it is to be Santa and have some Tory wannabe usurp you. I can’t promise that you’ll be remembered quite like Churchill, though. True, you’ve both got the questionable ethics and racism going for you, but at least he managed to win the war he fought. If COVID had Messerschmitts you’d be more riddled with holes than your pathetic excuses about why you were hosting ‘business meetings’. And hey, at least Churchill followed the advice of his advisors and scientists! 

Oh – before you go. I know I said my list was short, and really it is, but there’s one more thing. Could we please, PLEASE have a working opposition too next year? Thank you! 

Hugs and goodbye kisses x 
Rita F. Ucked-Off
Age 2 years, 5 months from Incompetenceville


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