I fear my choice of title has likely already disqualified my piece from winning the competition. Alas, it was never about winning, it was about owning the Cons and if I annoy some Orange Book reading group in the process, that would simply be the cherry on top.

Besides Christmas itself, I don’t want a lot for Christmas (Omicron permitting). Boris seems to have done irreparable damage to himself and the Conservatives, Lib Dems won the North Shropshire by-election and Labour is owning the Cons in the polls. Life is generally quite good. 

There is (however) only one thing I need:

An end to a fundamentally authoritarian and shockingly incompetent Conservative government and its swift replacement (don’t ask how) with a Labour government, most realistically in coalition with the Lib Dems. 

I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree, for while British dual nationals may be stripped of their citizenship without notice, while individuals can be imprisoned for up to 51 weeks for simple protest, while the poor continue to be marginalised and downtrodden by this government; my worries are very much elsewhere. 

Keir Starmer, I just want you for my own (country’s government) more than you could ever know.

 Whether you regard Starmer with suspicion or adoration, he is magnitudes better than the alternative (before you ask, I do not consider Ed Davey a viable alternative, sorry) from any vaguely liberal perspective. Any “liberal” which fails to see this is either too myopic, too stupid or simply too callous. I understand the case for Starmer is made primarily by the government rather than the opposition itself, yet as we have seen with the 2020 US Election, this is not necessarily a detriment. Much like Biden, Starmer has the opportunity to build a broad coalition of voters united in defeating the Conservatives. Play his cards right, and this new coalition should be able to keep the Tories out of power for the foreseeable future. 

So, Keir, make my wish come true, after all, all I want for Christmas is you. End this increasingly authoritarian nightmare and return us to the liberal, democratic norms that we naively believed were unshakable. But before the Christmas Day Coup commences, please wait just a moment. I’ll need a drink to toast the end of the petty tyrants and what better way to celebrate the Conservative downfall than a soon-to-be legal pint-sized bottle of Champagne? 


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